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greatest despair

i am tired..
so, so tired
i am tired of crying..

i know it has been how many, many months since the last time i have posted. but that doesnt mean i've got the happiness i wanted for all i am posting here were all despairs i have been throught. but, it's not what you think it is..

while i was rereading my past entries here, just then i saw how miserable of a student i am -- always failing and always praying for a miracle. to continue the misery, i also ALMOST as in VERY ALMOST failed a subject - for the third time :(. if to sum up i guess this failure in my third year was the darkest of all. it was so painful that i became numb. i was crying the whole night asking for a miracle. i was so down and in great despair. i accepted the fact that im gonna fail and i guess, God has already given me enough for saving me two times already. i have put everything to him..but for God's mercy and His unconditional love for me though i really don't deserve it, He has saved me again. :'( that was a very big miracle for me,i was ashamed of myself for God has been doing good, great things for me when i shoudnt really deserve it.

and, unexpectedly, to make the story short, He has also given me my first boyfriend after those incident happen. well, he became my boyfriend after 1 year though. but this guy was with me the whole time i was in the darkest.

tbc..(sorry, smth just came up :'( )


life is..

life is unfair..
really unfair.

i don't know where i've been wrong. it's always me who ends up the bad one all the time. honestly, it hurts. it really hurts. i've been trying to be good, but it ends up me, being the villain one. i feel like i have no one to lean on. everyone is against me though i know what i did is right. :((

Lord, You know me. You know what i have done for them. if they can't see it, i know You have seen it Lord. Lord, please be my guide always. i love You Lord. always and forever.

so grateful..for the second time

and again, for the second time, i was saved. :)

this semester was by far the most scary semester I have. I was really thinking I would fail because of my midterm grade which is i thought a really, really low one. :(( but thanks to God, i was able to make it (for the second time) and passed this semester! and now, i'm becoming a third year student!

"Lord, You just do not know how grateful and so thankful I am for this second chance You have given me. Lord, fom the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU! I know, this is not enough for the goodness You have given me.

Lord, though I always feel so sad and dissapointed, You are always there to enlighten me. I LOVE YOU LORD, ALWAYS AND FOREVER! thank You to Mama Mary and Jesus Christ and to everyone! ♥"

i hope everything will be okay Lord..Lord please..

thank You Lord! I love You! :*

in great despair :((

Lord, i'm really so sad right now. I've go so many problems with me that I think I can't carry on them anymore. :(( Lord, please in your kindest mercy help me through all these..Lord please..

I love You Lord, now and forever 

i feel so dumb..

God has already given me the chance when He had let me passed my Anatomy and Physiology subject. I was so depressed at that time but after all, He had given me the chance to prove that i could still make it.

but then, again..i failed.

I really don't know what to say or feel.. I've failed for the midterms in our MCN 102. The hardest part is that, my grade is really, really low. I've been imagining things lately and been asking myself a lot of questions: What if I fail?, What will my friends and relatives say if i fail? What will my father and mother say? :(( Honestly, i wanted to cry.. i can see no hope. I already did my best, God knows. I feel sorry for my mother who worked really hard for me if ever i fail. She's expecting really high for me. I dont know..i really dont know..

All my life I've been asking a lot from You, My Lord. But now Lord I've got nothing else but You. Lord, please help me. Please, Please help me. Lord, i already did my bestest Lord. Lord please..T.T

I love you Lord..I love you..


Apr. 5th, 2011

 and now..i feel like crying again..
its like my heart is going to burst..

All in the family (except for relatives) knows already about the rumor that my mom has another man. in my first blog here, i said how really sad i am and that i really would have never wanted that to happen. And now, my father lately is acting strange and keeps on telling on what we should do if he dies. he keeps on telling that for how many days and i was like this is not good. Then putting all the pieces together, my father wants to commit sucide. Gaaahhh..i just can't imagine. I know my father was really hurt but what about us? our mom's not here 'coz she's in there in Canada..not to mention with her man, and now, my father wants to commit suicide? i really wanted to cry but i just can't..

Good Lord..please help us. I know I've been begging a lot but Lord..please this time..please help my father..Maybe he's just so emotional right now. Lord..

And now, my sister just came out from the room saying.."father cried"..and it's that my father doesnt cry at all. I mean, i only saw him cry when his father (my grandfather) died. I know this is really hard for father but it is too really hard for us.

Lord..with all your kindest mercy..please help us..T_T
 weeeeeeeehh! \O/
i just wanna throw my arms up,up high and just be happy as i can be..:))

well, there's always a rainbow after the rain..:))
first and foremost..i passed our anatomy and physiology subject (which is the most scariest subject for me when i got 1st year college). This is what i was talking about my last blog because sadly, i failed it for midterms. And i thought it would be really hard for me to catch it up since i know by myself that my grades are getting lower..but then..GOD is really good! HE did answer my prayers. For how many nights i cried just because of it. To think of it, it is really not an easy subject huh..14 unfortunate students got failed and they all cried for their four years will become five years (since you have to go back and take that subject again..:((). I really felt sad for them seeing them crying and like wished they did it their bestest. But as for myself..I REALLY FEEL HAPPY AND GREAT!  thank you so much God, Mama Mary, Jesus and everyone!♥♥♥

I've got so many things to say..but i only have so little time..so imma tell ya next time..promise..:D


i am in a state of depression..T_T

 cry. i wanna cry. 

i did my best. for me, i did it my bestest..but i failed..
i really wanted to cry right now. i don't know how will i express what is really inside of me. I've got mixed emotions..the feeling of anxiety, loneliness, depression and name all those feelings that are opposite to what a normal person should feel. all i really know is that i did my best.

Lord, please help me.. it's only You who can help me with this, i know. i also do know that You will always be there for me. Lord..i just wanna be with You and feel the serenity in Your arms. Lord, this time, it's a big problem i'm facing..i did my best..Lord, i hope you know.. Lord, please help me..Lord..

i know someday..it's gonna be alright. just alright..


actually, i'm really sad right now..

thank God my baby Kyuhyun and Yuri are here to cheer me up..♥

by the way i'm just new here in LJ..
please add me as a friend if you want to..:D

falling apart..T_T

 ..i just discovered something..
..something i never even thought  just for a second..
..and its killing me down to my soul..
..i need someone to talk to..
..i wanna cry..

In my 18 years of existence here on earth, i just found out that my mom never did love my dad. When i heard it, my heart flushed down to the bottom part of my body. Who would ever think? they quarrel..yes. misunderstandings..yes.. she told me that they really are not compatible to each other but i just never thought that my mom did not love my dad.. After having four children? i think, for me, i can cope up with it. Given a high cognitive thinking, i guess i can. But think about my youngest sister whose just 11 years old and the one whose so close to mom and dad. What would she feel? She thought of having a family around her. My mom just told me about it..they did not know and i think forever they would not. Unless my mom will marry another man, which i pray for God she won't..T_T.. cause when i talk to her, its as if she would.. I wanna cry..honestly, tears are running down my cheeks. Just couldn't understand the feeling...Lord..please help me..help us..:(((